Hello again!!!!!!!

It’s been sooo long since I’ve been on WordPress, I’d sorta given it up, but the wonderfully witty Woman in Black left me a “Where are you?” comment and I thought, yeah, it’s time to come back.
So where have I been? I’ve been struggling through life, trying to beat my binge eating. I’ve joined Overeaters Anonymous, which brings to mind a room full of fat chicks talking about food, but it’s actually pretty good. I’ve only been going for 4 weeks and it’s only once a week. Theres only 2 other people in my group and most of the support I’ve been getting is online, which is great because I can work it around my life. OA goes on the same 12 steps that AA does, and so far it’s been good for me. I don’t totally get it yet, but I’ve definately seen improvement, mainly on the way I view food. It’s no walk in the park though, it’s been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, but I working through it. I’m exercising for and hour plus five times a week, which has been great, and I’m no longer fatigued. I’m still smoking though.

One thing that terrified me about OA is that I thought I wasn’t allowed to enjoy my food anymore, that I’d be eating nothing but steamed chicken breast and broccoli, but I’ve actually found that it’s broadened my cooking horizons a bit. My aim is to cut out, or greatly limit refined sugar and white flour, as these foods tend to make me hypoglymemic and then I end up eating junk food. I’m also trying to limit as much as possible processed foods. I’m not going to say that I’ll cut them out completely, because in this day and age, thats just crazy difficult.
Another new rule is that I have to include protein at every meal to help reduce cravings.
Most of OA though, is working on your emotional issues surrounding food. I’ve learned a lot about myself these last few weeks, and I’ve found my faith again. I’m pagan ( in the closet) and since I’ve been practising again, I feel much more myself, and much more grateful for all the many things I’m blessed with. Lifes too short to feel sorry for yourself all the time.
Thanks Stacia for bringing me back!!

Success!

My menu plan is working great!  I saved over $100 (that’s about $50 US) on groceries by sticking to my list. So far I haven’t been overeating because I’m not thinking about food as much. I think that’s because I don’t have to try to decide what to have for lunch and dinner, I just have to check the menu and make it.  A little organisation really goes a long way.

I’m off to the doctor today for a follow up since starting my new medication.  I’m definitely staying on this one. I’ve got more energy, I’m more motivated, my libido is finallyback. I’ve been exercising just about everyday and it feels good.  I haven’t had any alcohol in two weeks and I think that’s contributed to me feeling good too.  I’m still smoking though.  I just can’t seem to kill that demon. I’ve bought myself a copy of Allan Carr’s book from an auction site and I’m expecting that any day now, so I’ll start reading that as soon as it arrives.  I’m not going to give up trying to give up. 

I’m going to go and have cuddles with Zakk now, he’s on my lap rolling around being silly which is making typing kinda difficult.

Binge and … binge

I’ve noticed that I have a problem with binge eating.  I knew that I binged before, but I never realised quite how serious the problem was until recently.  When I binge, I get really fatty foods and lots of it and I eat in fast and in one sitting. I barely even taste it, and all the sudden it’s gone.  I also noticed that I do it in secret. I make sure no one knows about it. Today I waited for so long for my mother to leave so that I could go to the store and buy some junk food and eat it before hubby got home from work.  I had a family sized bag of potato chips, 2 chocolate bars, and a giant chocolate cookie.  Then I put the evidence in the bin and covered it with other trash so it wouldn’t be noticed. I did this all without realising that I was being secretive.  I only noticed when, later on, I was putting something else in the bin and saw the cookie wrapper sticking out and I buried it again.  This isn’t even uncommon for me to do. I do it all the time!  I don’t know why. I wasn’t hungry, or sad, or anxious, or angry. I just wanted crap food.  Reflection is a scary thing, it really makes me realise how out of control I have been.

I hoping that in realising this, I’ll be more vigilant, and in writing it down I’m acknowledging it.  I’m doing the groceries tomorrow morning, so I might make my lunch before I go, so that I’m less tempted to buy takeaways on my way home. I think I’m going to have to do a bit of menu planning before I go to, so that I don’t have an excuse to go to the store during the week when I’ve got no lunch planned.  It’s time to be accountable, and take control. It’s time to google healthy recipes.

My Zakky-wu!!!

He’s back! He’s back! My mother and I were talking about Zakk and there was a knock on the door. It was my neighbours girlfriend holding a wriggling struggling Zakky. He leaped out of her arm and ran toward his food bowl.  He is so skinny, his spine is sticking out and his fur was thick and ragged.  She found him stuck in an old car in one of the neighbours seldom used garages. It’s so lucky that they went in there and found him.

He’s so happy to be home, he’s all cuddly and purr-y and molting like crazy.  Our youngest boy cat tried to have a go at him but quickly changed his mind and backed off, so he’s still top-cat. Girl cat Krank (Zakky’s personal groomer) gave him a thorough inspection and is quite pleased to have him back.  I can hardly believe it, we’d pretty much given up on him, but here he is! I’m so happy, my brood is complete again.

Crisis averted

Phew, that was close! I found myself craving junk food just before lunch. Really, really craving crisps, chocolate, fried chicken, meat pie, anything fatty really. I sat down and spoke to myself.

“Last time you had crisps, you didn’t really enjoy them, the fried chicken is always too salty, pies aren’t all that great, they’re just easy. What have you got in the fridge? You’ve got low fat cream cheese. If you can’t make something totally delicious with that there is something seriously wrong. ”

And I was right, lunch was delicious:

Low fat warm sweet potato salad

1 large sweet potato
1 tablespoon of finely diced red onion
1/2 a tablespoon of low fat cream cheese
1/2 cup frozen peas
1 slice of chopped up ham

Dice sweet potato with skin on and boil until tender-firm (about 5 minutes). Add peas in last minute of cooking. Drain and put in a bowl with ham, onion and cream cheese, mix and eat, yum!

Feeling Alive

I’m so glad I’m not drinking!! Hubby came back from his weekend worse for wear, so worse for wear that he’s home sick today. Hah! This worked out great for me because the rain held off and I got to go out for a walk without a baby buggy. He stayed here with the little one while I drove out to a lake and done a 4 km (2.5 miles) walk around the circumference.  It’s not far but it was hard going with hills and mud and tree roots but it felt great. 

I actually feel motivated and energised for the first time in years. I done housework that I’ve been putting off, I even got out in the garden for an over due tidy up. Hubby on the other hand, watched Dr. Phil and then fell asleep at the beginning of Oprah.  He’s currently on the couch looking like an exhumed corpse.  God I feel good.

Smoking and drinking

I couldn’t find Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Stop Smoking book at the library, but they had the DVD. I didn’t even know there was a DVD.  I let it sit on the bench over night because I knew once I watched it I’d have to do something about it. Tonight I watched it, I talked myself into it. What did I have to lose?  It’s not as effective as the book, there’s just something about reading the words that makes you take it in more. But I’m still feeling confident and positive.  When it told me to go and have my final cigarette I felt reluctant to have it. It tasted foul, it make me feel breathless and I burned my lip.  I’m still going to buy a copy of the book though, I think it’s good to have on hand for reference.  Last time I read it, I lasted three months before I lost my resolve and the content of the book was a vague memory.  I think it would be a good idea just to skim the pages every few months to keep on track.

I haven’t missed drinking at all this week, in fact I’ve found myself being quite repulse by alcohol and peoples attitude toward it.  Hubby is staying with friends out of town at the moment, and when he mentioned “Getting on the piss with Matt”, I found it quite distasteful.  In the past I would have felt envious.  I’m not going to turn in to the preachy wife though, not anymore than I already am. I’m always nagging him to cut down as it is.  But I’m satisfied that I can be a good role model for our daughter. I grew up seeing my mother drink just as much as my father, and I’ve been a heavy drinker, but more and more I’m seeing girls get so plastered that they can’t take responsibility for themselves or their safety.  I figure the best thing I can do it set a good example.

Pinny sad.

I have a confession to make.  I’m having a junk food night. I know it’s bad, I know it’s comfort eating. My Zakky-wu is gone and I don’t think he’s coming back. I miss him and I love him and I’m sad. I went looking for him last night, hubby thought that he saw him on his way home so I went looking where he said. I called and called and a ginger cat came up to me, and looked at me warily, my heart jumped. Then I looked closer and it wasn’t him.  It was very similar, same breed, but too petite. My Zakky is a big boy.  He wouldn’t have acted like that anyway.  He’s an affectionate cat and when I have seen him out and about, he follows me with the enthusiasm of a dog on a walk.  I went looking today too, but he just wasn’t around.  I’ve been having the most horrible thoughts pop into my head of what might have happened to him. 

I went to the shop to buy my daughter some breakfast cereal and I saw my poster in the window with Zakk’s photo on it and I nearly cried. I ended up buying loads of junk food as well.  I got a DVD out to watch tonight to keep my mind off it. Hubby’s going away tonight and I’ll be all alone with my grief.  I guess I’m going to have to tackle emotional eating next.

My Zakky-wu

I thought it was cold yesterday and I was right. It snowed. I haven’t seen snow since I was little. Okay well, I’ve seen snow, but I having seen it snowing.  While I was exciting about the prospect of snowmen, I was really worried. My kitty Zakk was missing. I hadn’t seen him all day, but I was sure that he’d come back soon because it was so cold. But he didn’t. I woke up this morning and the grass was all crunchy, my plants were frost bitten and the car was encapsuled in ice. And Zakky still wasn’t home. Now it’s 6.30pm and still no Zakky. I’ve driven around town and seen no runover kitties. I’ve called him all up the street like a crazy person and heard no meiow meiows. I’ve put a poster up at the shop, but no one has called yet. Yes I said shop, singular, this is a very small town. I miss my Zakky-wu.

Zakk, if you are reading this, please come home, or at least contact me.  I heard you having a fight with another kitty the night you went away, if you come home, I’ll sort that other kitty out for you, I promise. The fire is going and it’s really warm and you can sleep on the bed, I’ll make Angus sleep somewhere else. xxx

Exercise and a recipe

It is absolutely freezing here today. There was hail throughout the night and I’ve got the fire lit. Doing my exercise video was almost a blessing because I got to warm up.  I done the 3 mile walk video, which is just at the right fitness level for me. It was hard work and I sweated and puffed but it wasn’t the ridiculous boot-camp intensity of most DVD’s I’ve tried. The woman leading the video wasn’t quite as irritating and most video instructors either.  She was sensible and encouraging with out being a raving lunatic.

I had planned to have a small bowl of oatmeal and a berry smoothie for breakfast, but I ran out of skim milk, so I didn’t get my smoothie until after my workout.  This was actually out better, because after the exercise, I felt like I need something to give me a boost.  Now I’m having my lunch, which is a chickpea chili soup. It’s delicious and so great on such a cold day.  Here’s my recipe:

1 small can of chickpeas
1 tin of chopped tomatoes in juice
1 cup of frozen green peas
1 cup chicken stock
1 clove of garlic
1 tsp of chopped red chili
mixed herbs to taste
pepper

Put everything in a saucepan and heat for about 10 minutes, and you’re done! Serves 2.  You can add other veges of course, carrot, onion, capsicum, green beans, whatever.  This is about 150 calories per serve, which is great.  Try it next time you’re freezing your butt off, it will warm you right up.